I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
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“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.