Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely

Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.

Me: *leaves body to science*

Science: *starts crying*

Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.

public bathrooms: wash your hands

also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.

Someone wants you to stop at the store.

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos

Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.

– texts to my bed

Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free

Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts

I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?

That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt

I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old

*winks*

Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.

If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space

I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.

A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter