I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
You Might Also Like
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.