Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*

Don’t forget to tip your server

Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.

After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria

Thursday Thought.

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel

any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together

NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash

My life coach traded me.

I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.

Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.

You don’t need that negativity in your life.

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October

friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.

Normalize responding to work emails with:

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night