I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
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“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
Does it…does it take 3 days
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
*bites zombie*
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
