Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.

Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.

GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

ME: i honestly only had one drink

WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said

ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real

girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea

[10pm]

me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”

contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment

super villain: no

contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

I have some bad news about people who work in offices

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.

When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog

Getting married soon just need a spouse

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.

Me: That just means they’ll come inside.

11: No furnace this year.

[chopped]

Judge 1: this is disgusting

Judge 2: the chicken is raw

Judge 3: why are there froot loops

[the rat under my hat starts biting me]

This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight