I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
You Might Also Like
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Today I’m going to give it my almost