I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
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The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
selena gomez
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time