Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.

16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.

Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.

Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?

Me:…

I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird

When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.

Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.

Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.

date: I’m a really big people person

frankenstein: omg, same

I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.

If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.

It’s like my therapist always says, that’ll be $175

Am getting real tired of your crap…

[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us

Me: Ok…

8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”

Me:

8yo:

11yo:

Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

“You’re sure that’s the right word?”

“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”

“Print it.”

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up

Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.