You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
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You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Happy Taco Tuesday
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”