I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
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“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
You’ll be OK
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…