I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
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SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
👾👾👾
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Okay, I’m still confused…
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.