Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.

ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism

Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”

“dom or sub?”

subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion

I’m not lazy

If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?

When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”

Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog

Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”

[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.

[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am

My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza

*Steve Carell washes hands*

*Steve Purell*

Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes