Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

My body is a “wonder what happened” land

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

Me *sneezes*

My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF

interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume

me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word

Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then

Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.

My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.

The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like

A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured

me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]

New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

Horrifying if literal: foot locker

You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?