I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
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she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37