I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
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I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
“What?”
– Jude
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!