I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
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Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
I like chaos.
-turns on news-
Not like that
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary