I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
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Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.