I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
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To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Story time
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics