I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
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My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?