Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

Cats (2019)

If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi

I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.

I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them

Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.

Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.

Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

When a mom hears the words

“Mom, don’t be mad…”

We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.

Don’t come back here with your bullshit.

Me, coming back with my bullshit:

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.

Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’

Auditioning for a commercial:

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.

Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?