Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I usually take an afternoon nap

Interviewer: what? why?

Me: have to sober up for the drive home

[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”

I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong

“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.

I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.

You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.

Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

You had me at “define legal”.

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil

ME: my mouth is all itchy

HER: were you in the attic again?

ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?

HER: I’ll speed dial poison control

[first date]

HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

Me: Say that word I like

Him: Pajamas?

One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.

I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.

nothing saves money like being antisocial

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn

At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.

Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.