I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
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Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.