@Rachelnoise
@Skoog
dog person: do you like dogs or cats
me: all pets are good ๐
dog person: dogs or cats?
me: i like them in different ways
dog person: DOGS [holding a knife to my throat] OR CATS?
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@Skoog
@lovemydogduck
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
@Browtweaten
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
@VerbsRProudest
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didnโt order) like theyโd met me.
@JerpsBerps
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
@jellybnbonanza
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle โGotta go, gotta go, gotta go right nowโ came on my 5 year old asked โmommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they doโ thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
@ShortSleeveSuit
ME: have you seen my briefcase?
HIM: I found it and turned it into the front desk
ME: dammit man how am I gonna carry that home now?
@jensrmk
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
@StarWarsProblms
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
@Brampersandon_
[COPS]
*into radio* We’ve got a drunk man in the park who thinks he’s a lion tamer.“SIR! PUT THE WHIP DOWN & STEP AWAY FROM THE CAROUSEL!”