dog person: do you like dogs or cats
me: all pets are good 🙂
dog person: dogs or cats?
me: i like them in different ways
dog person: DOGS [holding a knife to my throat] OR CATS?
I’m worried that I’m gonna get a super judgey coroner.
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Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
ME: have you seen my briefcase?
HIM: I found it and turned it into the front desk
ME: dammit man how am I gonna carry that home now?
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
*into radio* We’ve got a drunk man in the park who thinks he’s a lion tamer.
“SIR! PUT THE WHIP DOWN & STEP AWAY FROM THE CAROUSEL!”