Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
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Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
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