@Rachelnoise

I’m worried that I’m gonna get a super judgey coroner.

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@Skoog

dog person: do you like dogs or cats

me: all pets are good ๐Ÿ™‚

dog person: dogs or cats?

me: i like them in different ways

dog person: DOGS [holding a knife to my throat] OR CATS?

@lovemydogduck

Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.

@Browtweaten

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

@VerbsRProudest

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didnโ€™t order) like theyโ€™d met me.

@JerpsBerps

He was a koi.

She was a squirrel.

Can I make it any less obvious?

@jellybnbonanza

When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle โ€œGotta go, gotta go, gotta go right nowโ€ came on my 5 year old asked โ€œmommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they doโ€ thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: have you seen my briefcase?

HIM: I found it and turned it into the front desk

ME: dammit man how am I gonna carry that home now?

@jensrmk

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

@StarWarsProblms

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

@Brampersandon_

[COPS]
*into radio* We’ve got a drunk man in the park who thinks he’s a lion tamer.

“SIR! PUT THE WHIP DOWN & STEP AWAY FROM THE CAROUSEL!”