I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
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Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
I am never leaving this website
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
i hope my email finds you on fire
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?