Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*

I’m dying louder than usual today.

I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said

The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis

I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.

I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.

Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.

*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.

No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen

I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.

customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.

*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*

I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU

What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?

Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?

Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?

A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant

M: Oh you naughty minx!

My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats

We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.

everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares

The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.

Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂

Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.