Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up

My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

cop: where were u between 7 and 8

me: third grade? idk

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”

Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.

*gets down on one knee*

My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.

“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.

Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.

me: where do you live?

schrödinger’s cat: a box

me: I mean like what state

cat: both of them

I don’t make the rules sorry

Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀

*notices it’s not even 8am*

*been tweeting like a boss…*

*…to 5 insomniacs*

Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT

“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?

It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.