Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

3: Mommy, I hid your phone.

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

*sees cute boy checking me out*

me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards

UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?

When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.

[God making coconuts]

ANGEL: Hair on the outside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: Milk on the inside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

welcome to janurary 32nd everyone

ME: I’ve fallen for you.

JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.

Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.

Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick

I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.

I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁

Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

Some people were born into their job.

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.

Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack

WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*