Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”

911 what’s your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma’am we don’t–

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated

[At Pharmacy]

Pharmacist: This medi…

Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?

I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.

Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*

surgeon 1: open mike night tonight

surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time

surgeon 1: haha

surgeon 2: haha

Mike: what

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?

Stop the Internet. I want to get off.

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold

Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?

ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?

I: um no that’s not

ME: I bet they use a puppercut

*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*

*watches myself not sleeping*

Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?

Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.