I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
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me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
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