I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
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Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
