Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.

Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.

Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.

“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said

[job interview]

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My honesty”

“I don’t think-”

“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”

The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.

me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.

A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.

i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.

Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”

Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.