Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.

People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced

Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.

i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*

God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.

There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

Friend: what are you doing for VD?

Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

Friend: Valentine’s Day…

Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.

Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out

I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that

Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator

Me: why

*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*

People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.

After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents