I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
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*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
definitely did not do anything wrong
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
😭😭😭
Sticker placement is key.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft