Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.

Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.

Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse

Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”

me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out

I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.

I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.

My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

Jesus loves you.

But only as a friend.

Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!

Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.

I am an influencer.

If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.

Do better.

Free will is good, but free pizza is better.

Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.

Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months

It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.