Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
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[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now