Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment

Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok

Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice

Me: I’m gonna tell em

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.

sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.

The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check

Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt

When can I start eating bats again.

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”

-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo

My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas

It’s me, I’m the remote start.

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3

date: your glasses make you look smart

me: well i had to fail a test to get them so

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.