I’m writing a screenplay where a shark attacks people at the beach but, like, emotionally.

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[in Paris]

Will you have sex with me?

“No monsieur.”

Okay, like, I don’t speak French. BLINK ONCE FOR NO AND TWICE FOR YES.


My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.


ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.


Wife: Where are you going?

Me: I’m wearing my robe and boxer briefs so obviously I’m off to fight crime


Dear Dreamworks,

How to Train Your Dragon was not the instructional movie I was hoping for since acquiring a Komodo dragon


Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.


Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?


please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”


That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.


Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.