@drhappyknuckles

I’m writing a screenplay where a shark attacks people at the beach but, like, emotionally.

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@DumbConfessions

[in Paris]

Will you have sex with me?

“No monsieur.”

Okay, like, I don’t speak French. BLINK ONCE FOR NO AND TWICE FOR YES.

@Parkerlawyer

My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

@KyleMcDowell86

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.

@Mr_Kapowski

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: I’m wearing my robe and boxer briefs so obviously I’m off to fight crime

@Mr_Kapowski

Dear Dreamworks,

How to Train Your Dragon was not the instructional movie I was hoping for since acquiring a Komodo dragon

@RoseStokes

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

@OutOfLeftField_

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

@glamoureptile

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”

@Tommytoughstuff

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

@mom_ontherocks

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.