I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
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My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Growing out my freckles.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle