I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
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When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’