I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
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*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Put this video in the Louvre
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Money is the root of all wealth
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law