Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

j o i m p

If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.

Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.

I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.

[cats at shelter]

Where’s Frank?

“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine

imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do

Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.

Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶

me: wow that’s old.

john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶

me: oh not that old then.

JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*

“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”

-butter

18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.

Me: Any news?

Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.

Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.

Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.