I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.
…No, YOU shut up.
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“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
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Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.