Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”

I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment

Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes

That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.

King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.

Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.

you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

So, I got banned from the toy store today…

Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.

Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people

Clown: How many uncomfortably?

The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.

“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”

*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge

“This is the wrong video”

“No this is right”

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

[ asteroid approaching earth ]

me: *slapping baseball mitt*

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

People at work: you’re hilarious,man

Family: you’re really funny

Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know

Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job

Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.