I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
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[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
When I said I liked it rough.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.