I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
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Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal