I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
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I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Today I’m going to give it my almost
Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.