I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
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If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.