I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
You Might Also Like
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
He just like my cat fr
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.