Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”

*sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork

*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.

*later*

Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this

My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.

Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?

WIFE: Inverted?

ME: No, in English Sharon.

[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”