I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
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Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
*pronounces surface like Versace*
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Waiting for the Charmin
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?