@WeissBrandon

I’m “yells at people who drive too fast in my neighborhood” years old

I’m “yells at people who drive too fast in my neighborhood” years old

- @WeissBrandon

You Might Also Like

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

@TheBoydP

Coworker: Did you spank your sons?

Me: Not a lot

Coworker: What about your wife?

Me: Yes, I spanked her all the time

Coworker: …

@bingowings14

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.

@stonedcoldlazy

Got a message from the anti virus app on my phone telling me Twitter was safe. Clearly, the app isn’t reading your tweets or looking at pics

@jonnysun

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

@TweetsByKaylee

murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)

@ericonederful

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.

@iinkedZombie

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”