Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

God: you’re a koala bear.

Koala: yay I love bears!

God: but you’re not a bear.

Koala: oh.

God: yeah.

Koala: this is awkward.

God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.

Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )

God:

Koala:

God: that pun was beary bad.

ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip

[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.

Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl

I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.

I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …

if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas

[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.

“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.

Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

Pick up, table two

[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet

Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.