I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
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Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.