I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
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I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.