I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
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I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
tis the season
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.