For the baby who has everything
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some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Note to self: I am a note
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me: