Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.

today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore

whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.

I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.

I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood

Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry

[trying to eat a pretzel]

the knot wizard hath defeated me again

When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him

if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life

The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?

Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.

Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?

Her: Sure, I’d love to

Me: Wtf is wrong with you

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero

[at a restaurant]

me: i think i misread your tinder bio

squirtle: squirtle.

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?

My couch: