Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.

Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.

Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.

“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god

GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?

GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?

Boxing is born.

😭😭😭😭

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

Him: I love you to the moon.

Me: And back?

Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.

Worst perfume name ever.

Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”

When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it

her: your frog jokes are terrible

me: so i’ve been toad, jen

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.

Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.

Mmmm canned fish.

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no