Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks

My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.

No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.

people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.

Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?

A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant

M: Oh you naughty minx!

Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible

Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.

“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

about to have the best blueberries of my life

Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best

Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.

eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys

shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it