I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
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Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
🤷♀️
New skill unlocked
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
never compromise your values
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.