Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Survivor: The Dryer Edition.

Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?

Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR

For speeding.

“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*

I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..

-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?

-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do

-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

nurse:how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse: what

me: would not recommend

“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”

“It’s my carrion.”

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.

[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion

is this a threat

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

My biggest fears are:

-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

She puts the hot in psychotic

“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”

Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.

I cannot call her anything else now