Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.

Me: Would you remarry if I died?

Wife: Yes.

Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?

Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!

Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?

Me: Yes but

Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?

Me: What you have to understand is

Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”

Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.

No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample

Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder

Hobbes: getting a second opinion?

Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it

A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?

Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.

you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it

My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.

It’s not you, it’s me.

-Twins looking through old photographs.

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

Some people age like wine, others age like milk.

Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell

Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?

*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.

-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?

-No clue.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.

Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:

1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony

Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.