Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.

gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality

*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*

The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.

DAMMIT!

-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.

Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall

To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…

Somebody has to say it.

GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.

Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist

me: do you have anything for dry skin?

pharmacist: aloe.

me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!

It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.

A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.

Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.

My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.

In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.