Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
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The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Comparing yourself to others
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
More like Kate Missington.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line