Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
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[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
pat pat
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them