Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.

Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

Lucky for them, they’re cute

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.

*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?

[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight

Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?

me: *gets in the cart* yes.

I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.

Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?

“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”

As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

Give a baker flours on your first date.

PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?

[my gf actually turns into a worm]

me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you

my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people

Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans

I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause