Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
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My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
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me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.