Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
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DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive![]()
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
This guy gets it.
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Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!