Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

termite twitter scares me

Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high

Wife: how high

My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

Asian gangs, also known as study groups..

Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?

Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.

Me: Your sandwiches are ready

16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*

Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten

16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

Modded the new Gran Turismo

You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.

Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?

You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.

Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.

Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…