Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.

Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.

Thoughts that keep me awake….

why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?

*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*

Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen

Them *gives me a hug*

Me: and there it is

[1st day as an animal researcher]

*tagging a bear*

Me: you’re it

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS

SE: -on your sub?

ME: PUPPERONI

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

can’t wait til they legalize outside

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.

‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY

Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.

If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident